Scene: Talking on the phone with my lovely, and Canadian friend David
David: "I never thought I'd have to say this, but I've gotta go meet my father-in-law."
Me: "Your Canadian father-in-law? I believe I met him."
David: "You did meet him. He said that you didn't set off his gaydar."
Me: "Yes it's sad but true, all Canadians on Utah Beach lost their gaydar that day."

Scene: Talking on the phone with my friend Kimmie.
Kimmie: "it's a short film, based on a novel... based on a perfume"

Scene: Talking on the phone with my dearest friend David
Me: "Is Nancy Reagan still alive?"
David: "I think so.. Look, it doesn't matter because zombie Nancy Reagan can accomplish four times more than regular Nancy Reagan."
Me: {pause} "...because she doesn't need to sleep!"

Scene: Me talking to a friend at a party.
Me: "No, I'm pretty sure my insurance doesn't cover witch doctors"

Scene: Talking to a dear friend
Me: "You're big potatoes in my cookbook"

Scene: Driving around with a friend
Friend: "Why don't you have Bieber fever? ... or at least Bieber sniffles?"

Scene: Chatting online with a friend.
Me: "so, what do you think about that Alan Greenspan?"
Friend: "I think he spends too much time in a bath tub"

Scene: Chatting with my friend Jeffrey
Jeffrey: "I can barely wear anything but nipple tassels it's so hot"

Scene: Talking to my sister on the phone.
My sister: "So, I went out on a limb and put all my Satan poems up"

Scene: Me reading people's comments to a Salt Lake Tribune article about Proposition 8 in California, and the Mormons involvement in its passage (original grammar and spelling left intact):
"What the gays are trying to do, by trying to get strights to accept a new definition of marrige. Is to mentally tie them selves in the shape of a pretzel, a gay pretzel, and to think and say, we are not in the shape of a pretzel, we are still stright. We must now change our own thinking of a man and a woman as husband and wife. And enter into their pretend world of two men or two women, and say and think, are'nt they a lovely couple. I wonder which path their children will choose, they can have children, can't they? Do they have a church, could we get their missionarys to stop by and explain their exellant life style. They just want to be like every body else."

Scene: Me in a dream I had. I was inside the halls of the Supreme Court waiting outside a door and talking to some people. Apparently I was directing a pageant of some sort involving the justices.
Me: "I just got back from a rehearsal with Justice Thomas, ooof.... he's a pain in my side...
trouble with a capital teal"

Scene: Talking to a lover on the phone
Lover: "there's tall grass outside of my office, not like elephant grass, but like baby mongoose grass."

Scene: Me reading a comment on some random MySpace profile
"OMG I AM LATE FOR WORK why am I on myspace leaving this comment?"

Scene: A conversation between a Friend's Brother (FB) and the Friend's Brother's Friend (FBF)
FBF: "So where does your girlfriend work now? She still work at Barnes and Noble?"
FB: "Nah, she works at Nordstroms now."
FBF: "What is that, like a Norwegian weapons dealer?"

Scene: my friend Susana the doctor calling me. (I had been very sick for a week. earlier she wrote me a prescription for antibiotics)
Susana: "do you wanna go out tonight?"
Me: "no! i'm sick. you know that."
Susana: "i'm gonna write you a prescription for fun!"
Me: "Susana!! as my doctor, i advise you to let me stay home!"

Scene: my friend Dan calling me seconds after leaving my house
Dan: "there was a whole swarm of ants outside your house... I probably squished a bunch just walking out..."
Me: "don't worry... they'll make more"
Dan: "ya... their whole evolutionary solution is to throw a lot of product at the problem"

Scene: At a party talking to DJ Dave
DJ Dave: "i never take food to bed, unless it's hint of lime tortilla chips."

Scene: Me talking to my friend Aaron
Me: "Thanks for hangin' out tonight. It was good times.... wholesome times for the whole family....
except for the drinking and the pornography, i guess."

Scene: My friend Jeffrey leaving me a voice message
Jeffrey: "Hey I was just gonna try to talk to you prior to leaving, and despite my use of the word 'prior' we are not on Judge Judy."

Scene: Me calling my dear friend DJ Dave
Me: "Hello?... "
DJ Dave: "I'm talking on my cell phone in the shower..."
Me: "What?"
DJ Dave: "I'm sure it's probably dangerous, so I'll call you back in a minute"

Scene: My House
Someone I was dating at the time: "When I die, I don't want to go to heaven... I want to play Plinko instead"

Scene: Talking to my friend Jeffrey
Jeffrey: "I love Elliot Smith... but he's dead now, so I don't need to worry about him getting bad"

Scene: Me talking on the phone with my dear, dear, dear friend David
Me: "Let me recount a lovely spam I received from Fletcher Fishman"
David: "Wasn't he with Fishbin Fishkies?"
Me: "Yes, yes he was... actually he was one of the original founders.... but he left in a heated... uh......"
David: "fishtank?"

Scene: Me talking on the phone with a friend
Me: "It's not that I'm not a morning person... it's that I hate people who aren't interesting"

Scene: At the grocery mart with a friend
Me (asking rhetorically): "If I were maple syrup, where would I be?"
Friend: "...smothering your pancakes"

Scene: My house around 2AM after a night on the town
My dear friend DJ Dave: "God, I would pay a 100 bucks for 5 buck pizza right now"

Scene: Just after getting into the elevator
Old Woman: "HOLD THE ELEVATOR!! or I'll beat you up!"

Scene: Someone dialing the wrong number and me happily playing along

{phone rings}

Me: hello?

Man: is this Bib?

Me: {pause} uh...yes

Man: Bib, this is Wally up in Tin Tin.

Me: yes?

Man: my sister and I are going to come in next week and get certified

Me: uhhh, ok

Man: will that be all right?

Me: sure

Man: ok, thanks Bib! bye.

Scene: Me and my friend David at a diner for breakfast
Waitress: "Are you two ready to order?"
Me: "...I'll have pancakes...coffee........and an orange juice."
David: "Juice Fag!"

Scene: Driving in the car with my sister
My sister: "I'm no longer into self-help books, I'm into travel brochures"

Scene: Me and a friend at a hoity-toity restaurant
Woman from the next table: "so you're going to bring the weiner dog, right?"

Scene: Me and a friend talking at my house, after work
Friend: "Guess what?....at work, in the breakroom, there's a giant bottle of Jagermeister."
Me: "What's that doing there?"
Friend: "Well, it is a law firm"

Scene: Watching TV at my house
Bob Barker obviously speaking directly to me: "Call Young And The Restless. Tell them they're not going to be on today. We're going to be playing Plinko for the whole hour."

Scene: Phone rings, I answer...
Me: Hello?

Telemarketer Lady (Picture Ellen Cleghorne, SNL alum from 1991-1995): Yes, may I please speak to Chris?

Me: Yes, may I ask who's calling?

Telemarketer Lady: Yes, this is (Fill in your own stereotypical telemarketer name) calling from Radisson Hotels

Me: ...AND what is it regarding?

Telemarketer Lady: as a preferred Visa card holder, we would like to offer you two free vouchers worth...

Me: uhh, ya...i'm not interested. Please put me on your 'no call list'

Telemarketer Lady: we don't have a call list

Me: well you somehow got my name from somewhere, or you have the wrong Chris Howard

Telemarketer Lady: yes, Chris Howard, who lives on One-Eight-Three-Two East Garfield Lake City

Me: uhhhhh, not exactly....

Telemarketer Lady: why are you getting all moody all of a sudden?

Me: maybe because you're a telemarketer and you're annoying me

Telemarketer Lady: whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!!! Are you clairvoyant or something??? How do YOU know I'm a telemarketer?

Me: ....... 'cause you're sitting in a call center right now, with a headset on your head....and you're trying to sell me something.

Telemarketer Lady: i'm not sitting in a call center.....i'm in my office right now

Me: rrrrright... .look lady...

Telemarketer Lady: I'm not a lady.... i'm 23....

Me: ok.... i'm going to go now....but thanks for calling

(I didn't actually overhear this Overheard, I saw it while watching one of those epic 24-hour news channels):
Scene: That annoying scrolling text at the bottom of the t.v. screen
Headline: Gunshots erupted near Yasser Arafat's ho today...

Scene: Subway sandwich shop
Sandwich Artist #1: "Hmm, the Fruizle sign isn't working."
Sandwich Artist #2: "That's OK, 'cause our Fruizle doesn't work anymore."

Scene: My house
Someone I was dating at the time: “Why do you have to treat every thing I say like it's a crossword puzzle?...........or at least a word scramble”

Scene: me extolling the virtues to a good friend of how delicious the new Raisin Bran Crunch is, and how better it is than regular raisin bran
Me: "It's not just pushing the envelope, it's rupturing the membrane of how tasty Raisin Bran can be"

Scene: The parking lot of Barnes & Noble bookstore as I was approaching the store
Family walking toward their car coming from another store
12 year old son to his dad: “Barnes & Noble? What's that?”
Dad: (Very seriously) “It's a very scary place son...they sell books there.”

Scene: Grocery Store
Woman's voice comes on over the PA system.
Woman: (In a very slow, monotone voice) “Attention Fred Meyer shoppers.... there is some fresh baked French
bread in the bakery today... Again, that's fresh, hot French bread in the bakery....so hot i can't stand it....”

Scene: Phone rings, I pick up the phone
Me: “Hello...... Hello?”
Guy: “Yo yo mae, tee ton teh”
Me: “........what??”
Guy: “You speak Mandarin?”
Me: “......No”
Guy: “oh...” <click>